We let things go and didn’t apologize to each other for minor offenses. I understand that sentiment, but challenge the belief.įor the first half of our marriage, Amy and I had something called the QMR (Quarterly Marriage Realignment). My heart is wounded, and I don’t know how long it will take to heal.Ruth Bell Graham is known for saying, “A good marriage only exists when you have two good forgivers.” A great marriage requires a husband and wife who are quick to apologize and to forgive. The best apologies start with, “I’m sorry I said _,” and “I’m sorry I did _.” When you apologize for what you say and do, you are taking personal responsibility and saying to your spouse, “Your feelings matter.” Bottom line: “You matter.” Forgiveness should happen quicklyĪ thriving marriage requires two spouses who are good at giving and receiving apologies. My approach, tone and body language get me in way more trouble than my opinion or thoughts on an issue do. “Well, I probably could have said it better.” No, you could have said it better. “I’m sorry I said it that way” is another way of saying, “What I said was right, I just said it in the wrong way” or “What I told you was truth and you needed to hear it, but maybe my tone wasn’t right.” If probably and maybe are ever in your apology, it’s not a good apology. To honor your spouse, validate his or her feelings on the front end of the apology: “I understand how you heard that. “I’m sorry you took it that way” is another way of saying, “That’s not what I intended.” What your spouse hears is more important than what you say. It better serves my marriage to apologize rather than saying, “I was just kidding. “If I offended you, I’m sorry” is another way of saying, “You shouldn’t have been offended by that” or “You’re too sensitive.” Sometimes my joking can offend my wife. You and I are responsible for our words and actions. You never need to apologize for another person’s feelings because you’re not responsible for them. “I’m sorry you feel that way” is another way of saying, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” It’s one of the world’s worst apologies. Why your one-liners only make the situation worse Why? Because the apologies lack personal responsibility and point the finger of blame at the other person. And I have a suspicion you did, too.įor example, have you ever offered your spouse one of these apologies? Despite my parents’ best efforts, I went into marriage struggling with apologies. By believable I mean that I was able to convince my parents the apology was sincere, but in reality, it wasn’t. It took me a few tries before the apology was believable. So Mom and Dad made me repeat the performance. My first attempt at expressing remorse usually fell flat. Did your parents ever make you apologize to a sibling? Mine did.
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